Stop telling your businesses. Let it go. Don’t worry boo, they’ll get theirs. Bla..Bla..Bla!
Stop telling me how to deal. Everybody tellin’ me hoe to handle me, couldn’t walk for as long as I’ve been holding in.
Why am I the only one that has to rise above? Why is it that when I break, I’m labeled a damn victim? Why is it that I have to hold back? How come I gotta nite my tongue for this one’s sake & that one’s sake? Why I gotta check on everybody? Why I gotta help everybody? Why I gotta endure CONSTANT & CONSISTENT hurt, humiliation, & shame; publicly & privately but I’m crazy when once I’m finally off the bullshit I’ve been fed?
Fuck that. Y’all can’t keep playing with me, and when I fold label me but not listen to me. Period. You not gone blame shift & make demands. You not gone throw the rock and hide your hand. You gone hear me for once. Somebody is gon lobby for me for once. Somebody gon’ have my back & support me for once. And ima keep speaking up and tellin’ out when that ain’t what I’m gettin cuz it’s for damn sure what I’ve giving! I always have. So don’t tell me you got me if you ain’t got me the way I got you. Been had you. Fuck you!
She’s broken. But she’s beautiful. She’s wayward at times. But she’s still worthy. She’s been rejected. But still, she never gives up. She stumbles and even falls. But she gets back up. She’s been betrayed. But she still gave her heart to those she loves. She was told to be more selfish. But she still doesn’t know how to be cold hearted. She’s been hurt repeatedly. But yet she still doesn’t know how not to love unconditionally. She’s been publicly shamed and humiliated. And yet through all of that. She still stands in her truth through utter transparency. But your problem. Was that you mistook her silence for In the name of peace, as guilt, shame, and fear! She’s a warrior!
And all I can say is wow... again I have prayed for an affirmation. One that would grant me reassurance that he wouldn’t allow any weapon formed against me by those who mean me harm, to prosper. That the words of the wicked might eventually fall on deaf ears. And this was the passage I was lead to. Vengeance is his and the victory is mine, as long as I remain forever faithful. For I have found favor in his sight. And in HIS SIGHT, one who follows him. Is a righteous man. #godsaidimworthy
Today was my rebirth. I shed all of the dead ends (literally, spirituality, emotionally, & metaphorically). Don’t get it fucked up....I still have a long way to go. I took accountability. I told the truth. I confessed to all of my wrong doings. I admit that I’ve caused a lot of people a lot of pain because of my brokenness. I admit that I’ve been lost in my own affliction. I admit I’ve not been the best version of myself because I put too much faith in all the wrong people & things, when I should have stayed closer to the only source of power I know to be the truth & the light. Now I have to bear that cross. Thank you to my long time friend & confidant @greg_gilmore for assisting me with my reawakening. Thank you @hotlikefirre for wiping the tears from my face after you painted it so perfectly. I’m letting go of the life I’ve lived, as God has reassured me that’s not the life he’s creating for me. Producers moved a lamp from my buffet table tonight & I had a complete anxiety attack. My first one ever. My home is the only thing in my life I have control over. The way it looks. The way it smells. Who comes in. Who comes out. How bright or dim the lights are. I’ve kept everyone out of my space because I’ve felt so low. I’ve been alone because I knew I couldn’t handle other energies, or people shifting what I’ve put in place. But in that moment I had to learn to surrender. Just like when you’ve been called to have a relationship with God. Sometimes it’s downright uncomfortable. But to get the job done there’s got to be a compromise. Tonight I learned that I still have so much healing to do. I can’t compromise anymore because I can’t control the outcome. I can’t compromise right now because I trust nothing & no one. I can’t compromise because every time I’ve given in I’ve been hurt so badly that I’ve given up. So tonight I realized that I choose me. I have to. In choosing me. There’s no room for negotiation. So I’m back in my spiritual cocoon. It’s the only place I find sovereign. The only place I can rest easy. The only place I can catch my breath. The only place I can see, hear, think, & understand clearly #meornothingatall
Finding my way back. Or trying to at least. When the lies told by those whose hearts are hardened and insensitive brought me to a place of ultimate despair. When the wicked have intentionally sought out to cause me pain. When earthly ways no longer sooth me or ease my affliction. I hastened to his word. I pray I have found favor in his sight. And I pray that he removes the anger, the rage, the hurt, and softens my heart. I know he hears me. And I know he knows my heart is pure, although, while I strayed away my intentions weren’t sometimes. I’m not an evil spirited person. I’m damaged. But I know he makes all things new. I know he makes all things whole. He returns what was stolen. He restores what was once broken. So I share with you not for validation. But for encouragement. Nothing is too big or too small. Lean on him!
Feeling low. Very low. Prayed for yet another affirmation. A spiritual boost. A reminder. And when I opened my bible. I was back in the book of Psalms. This was the prayer it took me to. Broke down first. Literally to my knees. Literally. I asked that my faith truly be restored. That the joy that has been stolen be returned. That my faith not waiver. That I not he shaken. That he give me peace. Remove the confusion. The pain. The depression. The sadness. I begged that he assure me that there’s an end to this attack. That the spiritual warfare end. Quickly. That every weapon formed against me perish. And when I say I begged. I mean to the point of not being able to catch my breath I tearfully begged. That he fill this emptiness with real faithfulness. Because at this point. I don’t know anything else. I don’t know where else. I don’t know who else. But I do know that I can not handle anything else that intentionally means me harm. Or trauma. I do know that there’s a healing that has to happen. Because there can not be a next time. And this is was where I landed. This is the message I received. And this is why I can never again stray so far away. So help me God. In every sense of my plea. To find myself. To love myself. To trust myself. To forgive myself. To not follow myself. To willingly follow you instead. To diligently follow you instead. I know now. That there is no lower. And I pray with every fiber of my being that you uplift me. Now. And always.
Some of my edits are because of positive growth and evolution. Some of my edits are moments of digression caused by brokenness and unresolved pain. Never the less. I will no longer allow someone else’s interpretation of my life story, to control the true narrative #brokennotbad
I have to remember how powerful I am. I have to remember, that NOBODY can do what I do. I’m not perfect. I struggle with a whole hell of a lot. But my character, my loyalty, my love, can NEVER be questioned. Character over quantity. Quality over quick results. Mindfulness over meaninglessness. I got this 💪🏾 (A few of you have informed me that chic-full-o-poop is anti LGBTQ 🏳️🌈 & in support of dump’s re-election, so I deleted the last post)
I’ve been experiencing 1,4,&5 lately.
I keep waking up at 3:39a. Foxing back off at 6a. Waking back up at 9:50a.
I’ve literally been in deep thought and someone around me will verbalize exactly what just crossed my mind.
I’ve literally been feeling down for a month and a week. And it’s been one blow after the next.
And my intuition has been getting more and more accurate. So accurate that my hunches/feelings will become vivid dreams. So vivid. That I don’t care how crazy I sound anymore. I have to say something.