For as long as I can remember I have felt safe in not feeling good enough, feeling low and worthless. I suppose I have not known a feeling that is any different. How strange that you can feel comfortable in such a horrid state. Whenever I gained a little confidence or began to feel good, it felt uncomfortable, and I remember feeling vulnerable, as if I could have that feeling snatched away at any moment.
Today I realise why and it makes so much sense..... If you constantly feel low and worthless, and something goes wrong it will enhance those feelings and you’ll just go a little further into the fog that you are already in. But if you are feeling happy and at peace, and something happens to rock the boat, it’s further to fall and shakes you for a bit. You may get those negative thoughts back saying “See! You’re not worth it” or “You can’t do it” It’s the getting back up, time and time again that is so bloody hard and takes so much work. But every time you get back up, every time you look after yourself and your mind, every time you don’t give yourself a hard time, that fall won’t seem so big and gradually you will start to feel more and more comfortable being in a state of self acceptance and, dare I say it, self love. The good news is now I realise this, I can now try and look at any stumbles along the way as little tests sent to me, so I can practice and make myself stronger and keep myself aware. So for today anyway I am grateful for any hiccups and in moving forward I’ll do my very best to remind myself to see them in a different way, using them to learn and grow. 🙏🏽 🧚🏽♀