December 2016, Journal Entry :
In retrospect, it wasn't anger burning inside my soul, poisoning the garden of my being. It was an insidious cancer of confusion, the wicked black plague, brutally raping my mind of its soundness. I now know that it wasn't anger, blazing like an unruly California wildfire--it was soul wrenching, identity ruining, heart shattering, insanity inflicting, confusion, betrayal and pain. I wasn't untamed waves of psychosis--no need to burn myself at the stake. I was the target of mass destruction, pure spiritual and feminine genocidal annihilation. Only, I am the daughter of the original Spartan Warrior Queen, so I've always been half woman and half viking. Meaning, I will always get back up and stand strong upon my feet again, soak in the sunlight, radiate beauty from a pure heart, write the hell and beauty out of my story, bleed unbiased honesty, all while being prepared to get hit by life's most merciless of hurricanes - time and time again.
MORE than a warrior , -💋T
2 years ago
So call me insane, if you must, because in my own right I am (perhaps, we all are) . Call me things like passionate wild fire, raging waves of the seas, call me a poem leaking her existence upon the souls of the world, or a solar storm bursting in pursuit of truth... Call me stubborn like an ox, humble like the ant, strong willed, a viking...call me what you will, I can accept all that I am-- it's all true. I'm just a poet, a writer, a realist, a dreamer, a spiritually awaken and crazily tenacious lover. And you darling, you are the realest thing I've ever known, and nothing has ever made me love the way you do.
I will always love you, 💋T
2 years ago
12:15pm: I woke up like this: no skin smoothing filters, no makeup, just me and my naked skin.
After coffee, a banana and honey, and my supplement thoughts:
As I've gotten older, I've come to appreciate this fact: the only person in life I will go from womb to the grave with, is myself. Therefore, it only seemed wise to begin to question myself. Tanya, when you wake up in the morning, you are with yourself, at night you are with yourself, walking in the radiating sunlight you are with yourself. So, what kind of person do you want to walk in the sunlight with? What kind of person do you want to wake up in the morning with? What kind of person do you want to fall asleep with? Because that person, Tanya, is first and foremost yourself, and it is your responsibility to cultivate the character of the kind of person you want to be with. No other person is going to do the work for you and no other person has the power to define you. So, what is it going to be, then? What kind of person do you want to spend the rest of your life with?
My answer seemed simple but I knew it wouldn't happen over night. A garden doesn't flourish the night after you've planted the seeds. I wanted to spend my life with a person who knows how to forgive, a person of mercy, compassionate and grace. A person who's not full of hate, who is humble enough to seek the narrow way, a person of integrity and honor, a person who loved God with all their heart, mind, soul and strength. A person who loved and esteemed others as valuable as themselves. So that's who I have to be.