Okay, y’all. Tough love time. Are you ready? *deeeep breath*
People are not bandaids. I repeat: PEOPLE ARE NOT BANDAIDS. Relationships are not bandaids. Love isn’t even a bandaid. People who tell you: “You just need to get back on that horse and ride!” after you’ve just come through a terrible breakup are not steering you in the right direction. The best way to get over someone is not, I repeat is NOT, by “getting under someone else.” The best way to get over someone is to get over them. To do the hard work. To grit your teeth and cry and lose sleep and endure the pain and feel every last bit of the hurt and go to therapy and confront your STUFF and read the books and spend time with your friends and spend time alone and take walks and scream and cuss and cry out to God and let yourself go through every last bit of the exhausting, exquisite pain that comes along with forcing yourself to unlove someone who no longer loves you. And the only person who can do all of this for you...is YOU. You can run and hide from the process in other relationships, but all you’re doing is compounding the pain and dragging someone else into your sorrow with you and creating an even bigger mess than you would have by just simply walking through it. No one ever said getting over someone is easy. It’s not. Letting go of lost love is one of the hardest things you will ever do. But it must be done, if you are to be a whole, healthy person. It must be done if you ever want to find whole, healthy love. So please, for your sake, and for the sake of others who you will continue to hurt until you address your own hurt first...stop serial dating and being codependent and looking to any other human to heal you or fix you or make you happy. They can’t do that. Only YOU can do that. •
Survival. It can show up in so many different ways. Maybe you had to be a pleaser or caretaker. Maybe you had to become the observer. Maybe you learned how to tip toe around and not upset people. Maybe you survived by being as perfect as possible. Maybe you survived by becoming the parent as a child. Maybe you started working and earning to help provide. Maybe you hit the streets. Maybe you survived by hiding in a closet. Maybe it was by standing up and fighting back. Maybe it was by blending in. Maybe it was by becoming super independent that you didn’t need anything from anybody. Gosh this list can go on and on.
But here’s the thing, survival was never meant to be our way of being. This quote is so powerful. Survival helps us get through a time in our lives. Maybe that time is a few minutes long and maybe that time is decades. But what we do know is that it’s not meant to be our state of being.
As adults we need to walk ourselves towards safety and security. We’re not meant to stay in dynamics and situations that maintain survival mechanisms.
Why is this confronting? Because survival brought us a version of safety that feels scary to release. It’s what we learned to do to protect ourselves. And in many cases, we actually like the role and can see the value in that part of our identity. Why would we want to get rid of being a great caretaker? Why would we eliminate being an attuned observer? Why would we give up the hustle? Survival can BOTH give us something beautiful that we honor and cherish AND maintain a role or dynamic that isn’t healing. I’d love for you to consider how your survival mechanism both serves you AND disconnects you.
Mine was being an observer and becomes super independent. It serves me well because I’m deeply attuned to people and I can handle a lot on my own and take really good care of things. AND. I used to push people away by not needing anything from them. I would observe but not share. Great at being a vulnerable listener but not a vulnerable sharer. People didn’t know what their role was in my life because I never created space for one. Got the swing of it? What’s yours - comment below! #mindfulmft
I was on a call with one of my Love Mastery ladies today and she asked me how I created the conditions to receive my soul mission and shift the anxiety that comes with an unknown future. So we deep dove and I wanted to share some of the magic with you humans too!
To live on purpose requires you to be in direct contact with your soul mission. Your soul mission is the reason why you’re here, the gift that only YOU can bring to this planet, the “work” or devotion that brings you to life in a way that nothing else ever has or ever will. It’s the thing you must do to feel like you’ve made the most of your time while you’re here on earth.
Let me be clear this isn’t your career or what you’re doing for money. While for some there will be overlap, this is the thing that you do regardless of receiving money or praise for it. It’s in you to give.
My soul mission: to be an example of love, intimacy and inspiration in action. To leave people better off for having connected to or with me, to show up in a way that invites people back home to themselves, to their power, to their divinity, to their essence.
How my soul mission wants to express itself: Build a Love Empire.
A place where people come to learn the essence of love, to reclaim their authority over themselves, to connect deeply to the wholeness of who they are, to learn the art of healthy, optimal relating.
This soul mission was given to me 10 years ago in meditation, and every experience I’ve had, every layer of my business, every creative project has been and will continue to be the building blocks of this mission.
This is a lifetime thing. I’ll be doing this until the day I leave the planet, and I will not leave the planet until this soul mission is complete. I’ll know it’s complete when it is.
To live life from this place generates so much ease, surrender and curiosity. I don’t feel tense or anxious about my future anymore because I’m creating it. I live into my future into my soul mission by making choices that are soul and life supporting.
how do you find purpose? last week we had the chance to sit down with @chrisellelim , we discuss: finding your purpose, parenting in the digital age, how to build an online brand, & creating impactful content.
A common codependent pattern we can have is to overly focus on others.
Too much empathy for someone else can be an addictive and powerful distraction from ever having to face our own pain.
This has been one of my biggest personal challenges.
My way of coping with my own difficult feelings was always to focus immediately on someone else around me.
It was always easier for me to see how other people were feeling, but it was so confusing and difficult for me to get in touch with my own experience.
When we hyper-focus on someone else when we ourselves are the one suffering, it creates a major internal disconnect.
Our partner may feel good at first that we “see” them so deeply and want to “help.”
But after a short while, it starts to feel icky.
No one wants the finger pointed at them or projected on all the time.
How we start to undo this codependent behavior is by beginning to identify when we become (overly) fixated on someone else.
Instead of asking, “what’s going on with that person?”.. we have to turn that inquiry back to ourselves.
Sometimes that will require us to leave the room if we are expending too much energy on someone.
Sometimes we may have to spend time meditating alone to really get in touch with the disowned parts of ourselves.
Sometimes we may have to work with someone who can help us sit with our triggers without feeling the need the escape.
Having a grounded partner that can recognize this coping behavior in us and respond with care can also be extremely helpful.
“I’m actually okay here .. but is there something coming up for you? I’m here.”
Having that phrase spoken to us by our partner during our projection can encourage us to look inward (without) feeling shamed.
It’s up to us to choose if we’re willing to finally turn that mirror inward.
It’s up to us to decide if we’re willing to humbly own when we wrongly project on our partner.
It’s up to us to breathe and trust and take the dive towards discovering what’s underneath our defenses.
It’s up to us to pull up our pain and own our vulnerability.
The choice is always ours to make.
As always, I believe in us.